Dictatorship: part 1

3 years ago on the 16th May I finally found the courage to end what could be described as two years of mental abuse.

It is easier hoping for things to improve than actually doing something drastic to change your situation.

I had seen the red flags come up early in the relationship, almost immediately to be honest, but when new in love you become blinded by your own feelings. Even though I could see the flags so clear, I chose not to acknowledge them. I quickly lost count of how many times I told myself things will get better. That is a lie you keep telling yourself because it is easier hoping for things to improve than actually doing something drastic to change your situation.

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During our two year long relationship, I was under surveillance pretty much constantly. He had the password for all my logins on social media, which he made sure to check at least once a day. Sometimes several times a day. Even my work Skype he would monitor and if I dared speak to a male colleague (even about work) he would interrogate me as soon as I got home from work, wanting to know every little detail about this guy and how often we talked etc.

Speaking to friends (male) was a no-go, I  had to get rid of most of my male friends on Facebook to keep him happy. If I ever said no, he would spin up some story about why this particular guy was so important to me. It always came down to me having an affair with pretty much every guy I have met in my life. He was sickly jealous and I caved in and went along with anything he wanted just to keep him happy and make the arguments go away.

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But of course they never went far, because any little thing could trigger him and he would start another one before we even had finished the first. Actually, the arguments never stopped before I was crying my eyes out in the bathroom, then apologising for everything I did wrong (I never did him wrong, but things would never end if I didn't apologise seeing as he never saw himself being wrong in anything). 

As a result of this I stopped talking to people, stopped doing stuff, hanging out, making friends… I basically stopped having a life outside our four walls. If I ever choose to go and get a drink after work on a Friday with my colleagues, I knew I came home to a thorough interrogation so it was difficult having a good time staying out because the result of it was always a nightmare. It just was not worth it.

 The images in this blog entry was taken for my final project at university 7 years ago!

The images in this blog entry was taken for my final project at university 7 years ago!

He could go out whenever he wanted, talk to whoever he wanted and of course I was not allowed his passwords. Not that I wanted them. I lived in what felt like a dictatorship.

Part two can be found here and part three here.

Until next time, Renate.